First Borns and Grace

Throughout my entire life, the notion of grace has seemed so unfair and even disheartening. It’s been quite a struggle, to say the least. I say to myself “How can someone truly love me for who I am as a person?” Or, “How can you love someone without them proving to you that they deserve your love?” In reference to my faith, it seems that I am able to accept “everything else” in relation to Christian doctrine and practice except the one principle that divides Christianity from other religions and philosophies on life- God’s favor is bestowed on me based on his love for me, which is supplied by means of His grace. Why is it so difficult for me to accept this liberating and life-altering reality deep into my soul?

Then, I began reading “The Birth Order Effect” by Cliff Isaacson. Being a first born by chronology and by order, I immediately turned to the chapter of the book that supposedly supplied the implications for why I live my life the way that I do. Isaacson argues that the affections of the mother of first born children are turned to the child that follows the first born. The mother’s increase focus on the newly-born is taken personally by the first born child. This child thinks, “What did I do wrong to lose the affection and attention of my mother?” And subsequently this child thinks to himself, “How do I get my mother’s affection back.” Isaacson then argues that life for first born children is a continual struggle to regain the affections of not only his or her mother, but also others with whom the child comes in contact. There is a constant desire to please others as first born children learn that helping their parents in raising this new-born baby brings positive attention, often in the form of verbal praise and affirmation. The first born child is then classically conditioned to work to please and to serve others.

It seems to me that this type of understanding of how life works (acceptance based on effort) creates and enormous amount of stress in the lives of first born children. We say to ourselves “Yeah I cannot do anything to regain God’s favor but there has to be more to it than that...most people in my life accept me based on what I do.” This understanding of acceptance is completely contrary to the Gospel. Jesus accepts us based on what He has done for us not what we have done for Him, right?

To all my first-born friends out there that find extreme difficulty in accepting the free, unwarranted love and grace that Jesus supplies (even though we cognitively know that it is true) perhaps this can provide some insight into why the Gospel often times seems to simple to put one’s full trust in. Being classically conditioned to live a life of “ungrace” puts first born children, like myself, to fully take in the Gospel of Jesus. Perhaps psychology coupled to a greater understanding of the love that Jesus has for us can provide us with deeper insight into how we can let this good news penetrate our hard and callused hearts.